I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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