Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
