i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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