I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?