Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
