Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"