we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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