Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
