i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
