so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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