I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Randomize
