So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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