My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We need to rekindle our bromance
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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