We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
