The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's blow job season.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
