He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
