Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
the raccoons are back...
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