All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
