Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
