I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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