I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
