I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
