Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
