dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
