how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
