I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Im part way to drunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
