Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
