you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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