i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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