He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
