Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
