do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
