woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
