Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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