And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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