I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
