She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
