I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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