I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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