I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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