I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
