Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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