Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
