Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
