yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
