Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
