I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
