my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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