You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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