No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
