My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
