I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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