saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
