I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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