Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
