In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
