i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
