I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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