I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
