So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
