i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
