his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
