there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
