i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
