don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
