I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you traded sex for a burrito?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
