You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
