You were right. It hurts to walk today.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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