I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
